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Updated by Nigel Tapiwa Mabvuure on Jun 21, 2015
Headline for 10 ubiquitors characters at Zimbabwean parties in the UK.
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10 ubiquitors characters at Zimbabwean parties in the UK.

A very interesting lot they are the Zimbabweans. In the UK they seem to completely lose themselves and assume one of a few roles, especially when surrounded by other Zimbabwens. I'm sure we all recognise these characters.

1

The immigration adviser

The immigration adviser

"Saka iwe wakawana here visa re indefinite? Ndakanzwa kuti ukaita zve ancestory ukati sekuru vangu vakazvagwa kuLiverpool then you are entitled. Ini ndakatoita application ye ancestory iyoyi saka I'm just waiting. Been waiting hangu for 1 year and 7 months but kutyei hangu ini shift ndiri kudambura. Besides, these days tinongovamhara nema European Convention."

"Asi iwewo futi nema immigration advice ako awa. My company Goldman Sachs yakanditorera work permit hangu saka vana sekuru mira ndivarege hangu. Iwe surname yako haisi Mabhaudhi here iwe Onisimor? Saka unogoti ancestry yekuLiverpool papi iwe uchinzi Onisimor Mabhaudhi? Saka iwe ancestor yako ndiyo first person kubva ku Liverpool ndokutizira kuBikita?

2

Let me tell you hangu ini mwana wa Pamela...

Let me tell you hangu ini mwana wa Pamela...

"Shamwari mahuriro aarikuitaka,, mmm kana neni ndatya. These days hameno kamwe kamuAsian kaava kumhanya nako kamuAsian kaakaunza kwaTocky. Manje ndakanzwa kuti kwanzi mai vemuasian iyeyu vakatsika madziro vakati, iwe Muhamed iwe, over my dead body kuunza type idzi uchinditi muroora. Kwanzi vakapenga kani zvikanzi tinotokuwanira kekuPakistan kearrangement. Kudzingwa chaiko kunge huku muduri ndaknzwa kuti aisheedzera kuti "maihwee kani, kwamusiri hakuendzwe" adzingwa mumba avakutimba pedhe achinanga ku bus stop? Zvamuwanawo. Tari ainyanya kuvhaira mhani. I heard kuti...."

"Wakahwa nani ko iwe?"

"eh, eh, aa, zvirimo mumasocial meia umu everyone knows"

"Iwe, Tari akaroorwa na Samir, Prince of Pakistan last weekend iyi. Izvozvi they are touring Islamabad vakamirira presentation yemba yavakavakigwa namai Samir. Zvaunoreva izvi ndezvekumama."

3

Kwayedza: always in Shona guy

Kwayedza: always in Shona guy

"Urisei ko nhaiwe mufana"
"I'm well thanks uncle Kufa. Please meet my friends from uni Ciaran and Sinead from Ireland."
"Hoo tunobva ku Irish handiti? Haa tuma Irish turi bhoo manje they were never involved nezve colonialism."
"ha? ha? ha? They were saying they were excited to be at a Zimbabwean party for the first time."
"Hapana chavati vaona...."
"Uncle hamukwanisiwo here kungotaura chirungu mabiya angu aya asasarire"
"Saka iwe kuzoenda ku uni uku ndiko kunzi angu mabvi mubhinhi? Baba vako was a good man hameno kuti iwe urikurashika papi? Kunyara kutaura chishona ini nekuti pane kamuIrish. I don't keya. I don't keya."

4

The South African

The South African

"Hello buddy, I'm David, how do you do?"
"Ya, hi, I'm fine. My name is Shepherd Tambauchararama."
"Awesome, are you Zimbabwean like everyone else here then?"
"Errm, no.......actually I am South African"
"Ahh cool, a South African with a Shona name that can speak Shona!"
"Err, ha no, that was Zulu it's my mother language."
"Iiii mukoma Shepi musadaro. Mabva manyara nenyika yenyu kusvika pakutora dzevamwe? Handiti izvezvi maSouth African arikuuraya maZimbabwean? Ngativei ne pride nenyika dzeku ndaika. Tofunga mangondinzwa British accent mukati need not know zvehuZimba. Honai iyezvino hamuchatogone nenyadzi mabvumbugwa."

5

Murambanhamo Forgetyesterday

Murambanhamo Forgetyesterday

"Sha, ini I really, like hate the way they report Zimbos on the BBC, like we are asylum seekers or takatiza nhamo. They don't know kuti we lived in a mansion in Borrowdale with an upstairs and a double locked garage plus garden boy and girl. I've started calling myself an expat hangu because I don't want to be labelled, you know, it's like sooooo not fair."

"Saka iwe Susan ndiwe munhu wekutanga akabva ku Borrowdale kwako ikoko akauya kuno kuzokwesha chembere sesu tese boyz dzekuFiyo nekuti mari yanga yawanda? Inga nhamo ine nharo. "

6

Mukoma Nyengawese

Mukoma Nyengawese

"Hello...hello....signal irikunetsa baby ndiri mu underground.....aiwa hamusi kuridzwa Movado muno I think its someone's iPad yawanzwa...hello...haiwa hapana maZimba pano but pane maSwahili akamirira train I think ndivo vawanzwa....bae econet yangu haisi kubata but as I said, I have to go to see Mai Fadzi ku Hounslow so I'll be back later. Loving you effortlessly. Byebye"

"Ako, ako, ako, iwe Edith. Indava kurova so, hausi kubatika kubasa kana kumabhawa watova persona non grata. Asi hauchafile love yemusoja here chimoko? O ndakuvigira Nandos"

"Imi Baba va Shami mutikwanire mazvinzwa? Havasi mai Shami vamanga muchiti hee Waterloo, hee Swahili ava ndichinzwa? Ko kuzouyawo kuparty makabata kuNandos manga mati muri ku DZ? "

7

Mukoma Maxwell vakabva kumusha last week

Mukoma Maxwell vakabva kumusha last week

"Ee mainini give me a beer"
"Ii, babamukuru Maxwell ko please yakaipei?"
"Saka nhai mainini totokunanzvai pese patinenge tada doro? Dai raigadzikwa panenge papera rimwe scandari pasina"
"What! Who do you think you are talking to like that? You don't come here and start throwing your weight around I told Simba kuti this would be trouble. We should have never applied for your visa you always cause trouble. Bloody Zimbabweans!"
"Mainini haikonai kuda kungwarira pabhurugwa kungwe hure mazvihwa? Ndimuudze here iye Simba kuti wakakwigwa na Gobson Muchingauta?"

"SORRY EVERYONE, MUKOMA MAXWELL'S WELCOME PARTY'S OVER. PLEASE LEAVE."

8

Thandie Newton

Thandie Newton

"Hi everyone, can I introduce you to Mufaro, my half Zimbabwean half-Austrian friend"
"Waaal, Austria, that's like oh my god on my bucketlist. Can you speak Shona?"
"I'm afraid I can't as I was born in Frankfurt and moved around Europe but would soooo love to learn!"
"We will teach you mira uone, we will also teach you how to mona sadza and kanga usavi. Why don't you come with me and I'll show you?"
"Now? OK I'll just put the glass I just picked up down again then."

"Iye Mufaro uwu aingombeymbeya Germany ne Austria asi mwana wa Stella Chiweshe?"
"Haa imi babamukuru Maxwell madhakwa handiti?"

9

Mwana Wevhu X

Mwana Wevhu X

"You see young man, that's the problem with these English people. They've lost their morals. Their women behave out of control, their children are not beaten up so are spoiled, no respect for elders and getting naked in Agia Napa in front of crowds. Me, I just stay out of it I don't like their behaviour. In Zimbabwe, we would have sorted this out a long time ago and restored order. Zvinotondisemesa..."

"Hey man, so what the fuck are you doing in this country then?"

10

Celebrity

Celebrity

"Ndiye uye yema Noisettes here uyu?"
"Aiwa haasi Makhosi here uyu? Anenge iye?"
"Haa, no, anonzi Shingai, aa vanhu vakuru. She must be minted."
"Ko iko kuvhaira?"
"Avhaira papi inga arikowo kuno kuEnfield nesu tese tese?"
"Mmm kungozogara pa cheya apo achinwa wine uku mmm"
"Saka unoda kuti aite yekunwira mubhodhoro kunge kachasu sei muchishaya imi mainini?"
"Haa imi mukoma Maxwell siyanai neni mhani! Maakuda kuonererwa tinoifonera Home Office mukamama. haha"