Truths held dear by every old Kutama boy

Weight gain was impossible: one thing strikes you about this picture and every other KC picture: noone has any weight problems! Very few people became obese and the already obese had to become unobese. This is because the food was (1) shit (2) insufficient and (3) they had to sprint to the dining hall for this shit insuficient food otherwise we are talking gore renzara.

Noone really ever listened to the freestyle preaching part: For non-Catholics this was the most painful part. The kneeling, standing, reciting, repeat, oh my god! To make matters worse, there was a time when mass was performed just before supper meaning young brains failed to focus on the bread of life, but on the anticipated rice ne ka bird. However, the singing. Well that was the highlight.

Wakatongerwa kutambudzika na Ponziyo Piratooooo (Wakarovererwaaaa)
Wakarovererwa pachipiyanisooooooooo
sing quietly Akafaaaaaa, akavigwaaa, akaenda (akaenda) kuvafi,
[now with each word, increase volume] wakamuka (wakamuka nezuva retaaaaatu)

Bellringing is a big deal: This was the first position of responsibility encountered by any yeargroup. The chosen had to be dependable, reliable, trustworthy and short enough to fi under the bell. You were well on your way to prefecture if you were a "bero ringa" as Jachi called them. The rest of us didn't see it that way. Your eardrum was knackered by the loudness of this thing and by the time you finished playing bells, isu magora tinenge totopinda mu seconds ku dhinso at your expense. This is how many of us developed pragmatism and Machievellianism.

College boys were the sorest losers: Unsurprising. Coming last at every yearly swimming championship with the likes of St Johns, Peterhouse with their...their white people was soul destroying. So we tell them about our strengths. Tinosanga ku ZimSec! Unfortunately, Peterhouse and Johns have used Cambridge for yeaars would laugh in our faces and jump back on their horses and gallop back to wherever they schooled each other privately. We are not sore.

A 16 year old boy has no business being friends with a 12 year old one: Need I say more?

A man takes responsibility for his deeds, regardless of consequence: You are now sorry not because what you did was juvenile, dangerous and patently degenerate, but you got caught. Now you have to go and dig some holes in a field that doesnt seem to ever have any viable plants. If you're more unlucky, you may be sent to mow grass, but not with a lawn mower.....nebhemba! You are the starting line ye 100m and you are looking at the field rauchabhemba and the thought comes into your head kuti ukangomhanya paroad apa unowana bhazi rekuHarare. Unokusvika sei kumba kwacho. Simba kumabvi ako umwe wangu and make sure unosiya mauswa aya ari 1 inch long max

Noone really cared about rugby: We had no proper ground, no proper coach, the players were all starved half to death as you can see....ndipo powondiunza kuti ndiende kunodhumisana nana Jack Van Der Merwe, zvimukwimba zvevafana zvinodya balanced diet kuPeterhouse kuti ndadii hangu? Ini hangu I'll just concentrate ne ZImSec ndizotengawo balanced diet in 10 years time when I am working for Van Der Merwe!

Your life would be much better had you not played Mortal Kombat: You may now be working for Google in their New York offices seumwe muchinda wangu. You may have a credit card and an appartment. Zvino une appointment nema debt collectors because ma creditors azokuwana. Project hauna kupedza because, well, waipomba. Because of Mortal Kombat hauna mota saka kombi newe taketake. But you know what? At least you "finished him!"............I hate how my conscience never shuts up sometimes!

A man's nickname becomes him: Mr 'Changes' Muchenje's finest moment came following the savage murder of a stray dog with a shovel by someone known as Bigga Nigga. Changes proceeded to launch into a monologue about the meaning of names and how they can sublimininally influence our character. For example, it is perfectly acceptable for someone called Big Nigga to commit such an atrocity hence the call to change. The importance of names stuck with me henceforth. I called myself Deebolicious Bvubvaz The Bullet we Mudibi and, together with my dear pals DMX, Jazbro and Felecks, we formed a rap outfit known, origially, as Terra Squad. Don't worry Changes. We heard you 13 years ago but we still listen today.

Forced spartanism breeds ingenuity and ambition: Looks at us, spartans! Nowt to our names and yet look at those smiles, that alpha posturing and glances to an invisible object on the room. I am in the bottom right corner and am wearing a blue vest under my shirt. I hadn't washed both these items of clothing for a whole term partly because I didn't have detergent, but mainly because ndaiva neshabhi plus nungo. Yet there's no worry in the world. We learnt that our mental facility was all that mattered really. Out of this motley crew of weirdos is a newly qualified physician, a trainee plastic surgeon, a senior audit clerk, a ZIMRA official and a student. Whenever my head gets heavy on my head, this picture send me hurtling back down to earth.

It's Shampanya, not Chambaginat: One of your very first lessons was how to pronounce the name of the founder of the Marist Brothers. If you were assigned to Patrick, Chichester and Michael, you would spend the rest of your Kutama days in abject desolation, wishing you were a Champagnat man instead.

The quiz team made you want to attend Kutama: we all remember the imperious Kutama quiz teams which made you choose KC over Peterhouse.....that and the unaffordable fees at Peterhouse.

Jachi loved you: Here was a man who cared for this school and it's boys. His strong Manica accent made him an easy target for windup merchants but also compelling to listen to. Always to be warmly regarded.

Our famous neighbour was also our most famous alumnite: the drive to Koraz was rather smooth as the road was always well maintained, thanks to one of our old boys from the 1940s. You ran past his house during marathons and hoped you'd be invited in, fed, watered and advised. However, you had to finish your marathon otherwise ndiwe waikwesha mashanks.

If you lived here, you failed to escape: we all wanted to live here. The strange adolescent trance of form 4 is cleansed of the residents of this block and they become men. Numbers were limited so to make it to Chasi you either needed (1) 7As and above with no history of manje ne hwahwa OR (2) Pay someone - there were always surprises. Name some....

*Somehow, and for some reason, some boys drank here *: This was the only bar in a 100km radius therefore clearly were all teachers would hang out. Cannot see why some risked expulsion to drink here. Besides, this is a real dive bar! The discerning and well connected drank in prefects' rooms of course :)

Clubs only mattered when a trip became imminent: Apart from the quizzers, debaters, public speakers and those keenos at CCK, the rest of us gave not one f about clubs....until a trip was announced. Then chaibva chavhondoka. But boyz dze Drama Club a.k.a the least serious jokers of a bunch of jokers and the most likely to be arrested (I was President in my time :)) at least amused us now and again during the recurrent and unamusing daily assemblies.

*Noone touches the admin block *: We all wrote our interviews here, got beat in the headmaster's office here, hung out here....clearly whoever did this is not an old boy otherwise he'd have known.

Food here was solely for nutritional purposes: Zvekuda kuzonzi heee zvirikutapira, hee zviri kuvava, that's immaterial. Just eat. Ukatadza hameno hako you'll have to buy a cream puff and that's no caviar either. Kana uchida zvetaste otoita make sure ndiwe number one kusvika on Sunday otherwise nechigora chevakomana unokwanisa kupostsa ndiro chido chiripo.

23 inch TVs are perfectly sufficient: Kutama men do not fall for neverending deals of 60 inch televisions. "Urikuda kuti nditenge 60 inch tv ini ndiri one, only a few years ago taigara tiri 50 tichiona ka 23 inch tv?" Another highlight of the week: vhidhaz. Action ruled, movies were fast forwarded to arrive at sex scenes quicker, one person spoke and noone heard...in retrospect, a thoroughly depressing experience but communal at the time!

After a month in an all male environment, sexual behaviour becomes primitive and, frankly, predatory: Of course this isn't Samaz, but it's evocative. But the poor woman was only trying to do a job and yet all she got was being lusted after by 700 sweaty teenage boys. Many of us discovered our sexuality by forming fantastical relationships with all female teachers. Many of us will have grown out of drawing on toilet walls but there's always one.....

It sucked being Patrick, Chichester and Michael on sports days: But the atmosphere was terrific, second to none. Legends were made on such days. Best of all, the music was first rate. By the third time you'd sang "Mumwe murume, wakaenda Jubheki" you're thinking "Ngachigare kuJubheki ikoko chimurume ichi I'm sick and tired of this song." And yet you got up and sang for your team. You knew that nyama was at stake here. You would sing for it if you had to.

Mapafada are native to Kutama: Think about it. Pafada is basically yellow bread with a shedload of cream inbetween. And yet although you have now sampled the finest Venitian breads and have been to private baking lessons with Mary Berry, your favourite confectionary is still this Murombedzi native. You've looked for it, havent you? And you've also realised, retrospectively, that you shouldn't have taken it for granted!

Those in power deserve perks not available to the povo: If you think about it, this is a microcosm of Zimbabwe today. The ribboned chaps had their own dining room were they dined like kings on double portions. This prefect here may have put dark glasses to hide how fat his eyes have become from eating well. This entitlement was seen as normal. Unsurprisingly, the powerful in Zimbabwe have the same sense of entitlement. Likewise, your life was sorted if tsano vako became mugita just as you would be sorted if your mother in law's 3rd cousin twice removed became an MP!

Courtyards were built for murikazi: You can see from the patchiness and weariness of the lawn that all its efforts to regenerate have been trampled on by boys in pursuit of a makeshift ball fashioned out of waste plastic bags. Poor angel here now has to look at what really is now a desert. Occasionally, he ends up being dry humped nemadzuda who are being given a hard time by some belligerent form 4 idiot.