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Updated by Graeme Thomson on Nov 11, 2014
Headline for 11 Scary Facts That Will Change The Way You Look At Water
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11 Scary Facts That Will Change The Way You Look At Water

1

Water is diluted dinosaur piss.

Water is diluted dinosaur piss.

The water that existed on Earth millions of years ago is the same water we drink today. Since planet Earth is a closed system, all water is recycled. Therefore, the water the dinosaurs sipped – and then urinated out again – is the same water we drink today!

2

Drinking water is like drinking out of a puddle.

Drinking water is like drinking out of a puddle.

Water covers about 70% of the Earth’s surface. When a heavy downpour floods 70% of the sidewalk outside your house you don’t rush out and start lapping it up. Why not? Well, for one reason, dogs shit on your sidewalk. Just like dinosaurs and wooly mammoths shat on land now covered with water.

3

A healthy person is capable of drinking about 48 cups of water a day.

A healthy person is capable of drinking about 48 cups of water a day.

The only caveat being if he does he won’t stay healthy for long. Quite apart from water intoxication, that’s an awful lot of diluted mammoth shit and dinosaur piss.

4

And then there’s Adolf Hitler.

And then there’s Adolf Hitler.

The whole closed system thing means that it isn’t just diluted dinosaur piss that you need to worry about. You’re also drinking Adolf Hitler’s piss. And Joseph Stalin’s…and Pol Pot’s…and Osama Bin Laden’s.

5

One in nine sociopathic world leaders and international terrorists

One in nine sociopathic world leaders and international terrorists

may not have actually taken a shit on your sidewalk, but would you take the chance of drinking from a street puddle?
Of course you wouldn’t! Idi Amin once had a rather spicy supper in Uganda and, as a result, 780 million people in Africa still won’t risk it.

6

And don’t forget about the fish.

And don’t forget about the fish.

The waters of our oceans, lakes, and rivers are full of fish. And they’re not just pissing and shitting in it. They’re also fucking in it! The Pacific Ocean and Lake Michigan are the piscine equivalent of a Roman orgy at the Baths of Caracalla. With an added aqueduct delivery of dinosaur and Hitler piss!

7

Water pollution can lead to dangerous bacteria that cause diseases and viruses.

Water pollution can lead to dangerous bacteria that cause diseases and viruses.

No shit. Or, rather, lots of shit. And piss. And fish cum.

8

People in America who pee in the shower merely add to the problem.

People in America who pee in the shower merely add to the problem.

And let’s not even talk about the Americans who have sex in the shower. Think about that the next time you find yourself jerking off in the shower!

9

Flushing the toilet releases the largest amount of piss and shit into the water.

Flushing the toilet releases the largest amount of piss and shit into the water.

So what in God’s name do you think you’re doing?! Stop that crap! Right now!! Show some environmental sensibility. Simply scoop the stuff out, and store it some of those supermarket plastic bags that are currently being banned everywhere. Once you collect a sufficiently large payload – say, 100 tons – simply call and make an appointment with our specialist Outer-Space Dumpster team! They will ensure, for a very reasonable fee, that your cumulative pee and poo is shipped to NASA and from thence rocket-launched harmlessly into Earth’s orbit. (Unlike that of the dinosaurs, Adolf Hitler, et al.)

10

At one drip per hour, a human penis can leak 8.33 gallons of pee per year.

At one drip per hour, a human penis can leak 8.33 gallons of pee per year.

The World’s population is currently around 7.125 billion, of whom approximately 50.4% are male. That means that 29.91 billion gallons of male drip pee is being added every year to the world’s water supply! And don’t tell me that the penises of monkeys, aardvarks, walruses, and wombats don’t drip as well. And ladies, while wishing to spare your blushes, you’re not totally excluded from the dripping thing – after all, we’re talking biology here, not Emily Post. So, if we add you in, that’s an extra 29.44 billion gallons of pee per year for a grand total of 59.35 billion gallons of drip pee every year! Not counting the male and female aardvarks, wombats etc.

11

Everybody in the United States pours nearly half an inch of diluted piss into their mouth every day.

Everybody in the United States pours nearly half an inch of diluted piss into their mouth every day.

Think of it like this: the United States currently has a population of approximately 300 million. Standing shoulder to shoulder they could all fit into about 24 square miles – that’s just 3 small states: New Hampshire, New Jersey, and Massachusetts. To cover 1 square mile with 1 inch of water requires 17.37 million gallons of water. So, it takes 417 million gallons to cover 24 square miles. And humans produce 59.35 billion gallons a year of DRIP pee alone. In other words, if the US population was herded together on any given day and made to look up, 0.4 inches of human piss would be dropped into their open mouths. And that doesn’t include dinosaur pee. Or mammoth shit. Or salmon semen. Or Osama bin Laden’s dingleberries.

So do yourself a favor. Don’t drink the stuff. Stick to vodka.