Fusion 360
The movie “Saw” has been terrifying Americans from Utah all the way to the farthest reaches of the east coast since its original film was released to public audiences in 2004. Though small children and cowardly men have been most negatively affected by the grotesque movie series, no group has been more petrified of the film’s face — Billy the puppet — than that of America’s personal injury lawyers. For them, sharing a living space with the small figurine would be the darkest of unending nightmares.
Applying to both female and some effeminate male personal injury lawyers, lipstick destruction is inevitable. Billy’s red cheek spirals won’t maintain themselves and if you think he’s footing the bill for a $35 tube of Yves Saint Laurent’s “Rouge Volupte”, you’re sadly mistaken.
There’s a reason that Billy is only famous for saying, “I want to play a game,” and it’s because he actually only wants to play games.
Personal injury lawyers — or any kind of attorney, for that matter — have found it impossible to pin a crime on Billy due to the fact that dolls have no fingerprints. Raggedy Ann dolls are suspected in hundred of homicide cases, but with no fingerprints or bodily fluid samples, there’s little to go on.
If “intentional infliction of emotional distress” (IIED) weren’t such a lengthy legal term, it’d be Billy’s middle name. Seriously, it’s how he gets his kicks and giggles, much to the chagrin of strict, worrisome mothers from Utah.
Nobody’s for certain as to how old Billy is supposed to be, but it’s widely accepted that he’s a minor, which would account for his childlike innocence. It’s that very kind of innocence that explains his negligence. At some point, Billy needs to learn how to properly sanitize his killing equipment.
Billy’s tricycle can’t technically be classified as a “motor vehicle,” thus protecting him from the proverbial wheelhouse of most personal injury lawyers.
Irony, coupled with painfully bad puns, is enough to kill someone without a torture chamber and are just part of Billy’s bag of barbaric tricks. A personal injury attorney living with a robotically controlled killing doll is just too silly.
It was British author, Tahir Shah, who once famously said, “Any man who has ever led an army, an expedition, or a group of Boy Scouts has sadism in his bones.” Few groups are as cool as the Boy Scouts of America, excluding the many troops from Utah, yet Billy has managed to bring that same level of respect to bloodthirsty puppets who dress up like common schoolboys.
Lucas Miller writes for Adams Davis PC. He is a writer at Fusion 360, an advertising agency in Utah.
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