Awful Things To Key Into Someone’s Car

Did you know that the swastika is actually a symbol of luck, security, glory and the common good according to ancient Balinese Hinduism? Most motorists don’t know that and, even if your intentions are good, the message might get lost in translation.

There’s nothing as immature and tasteless as potty humor, even in cases of used car vandalism. Furthermore, if a vehicle’s owner is down to clown and wants to pull that finger, where are you to offer your services? You’re gone. Cowardly, to say the least.

Demetri Martin once noted that 100 percent of stick figures are African American. On the flip side, all keyed images are white. When will these two distinct groups finally coexist peacefully?

Innocent Mormon kids from Utah get slaphappy over etching this message into dirty used cars with a moistened pointer finger. Remember, too much of a good thing leads to inappropriate, vehicular defacement, even in Utah. Then comes heroin.

A simple “X” is just such a rookie maneuver. Video games are ruining the creativity of America’s youth. Unless doubly used in a beer commercial, the “X” just screams that you were terrified of getting caught and couldn’t think of anything better to do.

Also known as a “baloney pony,” “kickstand,” “pecker” or “twig n’ berries,” the penis has always been a beautiful artistic centerpiece of sorts. New and used cars, however, tend to opine differently.

The sign for anarchy and the Criss Angel logo are exactly the same. The unidentified person who targeted your vehicle might have just been confused, so that’s a plus. Maybe you’d actually be really great friends in real life.

Short, powerful and classy, yet still hurtful. This is the finest of insults. To be honest, it’s hard not to smile just a little bit.

Lucas Miller writes for Open Book Autos. He is a writer at Fusion 360, an advertising agency in Utah.