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Updated by Fusion 360 on Jun 05, 2014
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Who Should Be Excluded From Your Will

Dying is never a fun experience, especially when you’re the one who’s preparing to kick the bucket. For Americans from Salt Lake City to New York City, asset protection is the main concern for those readying themselves for endless glory or eternal torment. And excluding people from your will can make death all the more enjoyable.

1

Pets

Pets

Pets are not people. Pets enjoy both smelling and eating things that you’d rather die (you’re in luck) before even looking at. It’s sad that this is a question for many people, but hey, you could leave little Scruffy that off-white sofa that he managed to soil last Christmas.

Ex-lovers

Asset protection is important, but emotional protection is even more important. Instead of including an ex-lover in your will, simply cry away those tears of regret in that letterman’s jacket which was accidentally left at your house.

3

In-laws

In-laws

Taking a child from his or her parents is rough — just ask parents with children. That being said, if you took a child from your in-laws they probably never let you live down your imperfections. You owe them nothing.

4

Employees of Sonic, America’s drive-in

Employees of Sonic, America’s drive-in

This one might seem obvious, but these punks are getting tipped for rollerblading 10 feet when the option of fetching one’s own food isn’t even available. Life has been too good to these teenagers. Also, they’re sweet talkers. Don’t let them trick you.

5

The Mailman

The Mailman

Unless your dog, to whom you’re leaving nothing (see number one), has eaten the mailman, he deserves nothing. Is mail even a thing anymore, anyway?

6

Middle child

Middle child

Unless you’re the middle child, nobody really remembers anything about this kid, anyway. What was the name of that one middle-child chick on “The Brady Bunch,” again?

7

Dentist

Dentist

Most dentists feel that they own the world. They work 20 hours a week and couldn’t imagine having to work a Friday to save their lives. If you thought administering a mouth shot to your dentist would be fun, try the groin kick that is leaving him out of your will.

8

Pastor

Pastor

Not everyone lives in Salt Lake City where ecclesiastical leaders get paid in blessings. Your pastor will be just fine without any of your monetary assets.

Lucas Miller writes for York Howell. He is a writer at Fusion 360, an advertising agency in Salt Lake City, Utah.

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