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Updated by Expedition Self on Mar 18, 2013
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Sam's Top 10 List of Growth Stuff

THOUGHTS THAT KILL OFF RELATIONSHIP

1

No.1 "THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ME"

No.1 "THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ME"

A surefire belief that will cause us to keep our thoughts private. Why would we speak if we imagine that someone doesn't care? And yet, the question is, "Do you care enough to engage with them even without reciprocal feeling?" Why can't we care about others even when they're not returning it?

2

No.2 "THEY'RE STINGY AND CHEAP."

No.2 "THEY'RE STINGY AND CHEAP."

When we draw a conclusion like this - it's unlikely that the person we've labeled will occur as anything but "whatever we've concluded." We're such great case builders, we close and seal the lid - preventing us from talking about these moments that would've alternatively been material for building relationship.

3

No.3 "THEY'RE SELFISH."

No.3 "THEY'RE SELFISH."

A thought like this will place the other person in an impenetrable "tight" space - how can they have freedom to take any action if they're now going to be seen as "selfish?" The idea of being selfish suggests that there's not "enough" to go around - like "If you get your needs met then I can't get mine met at the same time." You'll find this theme at the root of many relationship issues.

4

No.4 "THEY WON'T LISTEN."

No.4 "THEY WON'T LISTEN."

If we want to imagine a closed door - then this would be it. Why start a conversation when you've already assessed the outcome? The possibility of communicating is destined to fail the moment we buy into the "rightness" of this idea. We change how we speak, we begin on the attack and use responses as a way to validate that we were right all along, "I knew you wouldn't listen."

5

No.5 "I'VE TRIED BEFORE AND IT NEVER WORKS."

No.5 "I'VE TRIED BEFORE AND IT NEVER WORKS."

We have this thought when we forget that relationships are "practice" - we may need to revisit the same topic or interaction 1000 times before it "works." That's the key - to be so invested - so engaged that we keep working on relationship until it's "clear" and we're free to fully express ourselves.

6

No.6 "THEY'LL LEAVE ME."

No.6 "THEY'LL LEAVE ME."

And so it goes. We're afraid and it causes us not to speak. Or speak from desperation when we do find our voice. In either case, the more we allow this thought to interfere with our risk-taking in relationship, the closer we get to causing its occurrence.

7

No.7 "I MIGHT LOSE MY JOB."

Now we pull out the big guns as a way to keep from building relationship. Goes straight to our need to survive, our ability to be responsible in society and our sense of worthiness. Unfortunately, it creates a relationship that must now be based on inauthenticity, political managing of others reactions and general apathy - if it goes far enough. I'd ask you, "Do you really want a job where you aren't in full communication? What are you really risking?"

8

No.8 "I'LL HURT THEIR FEELINGS."

No.8 "I'LL HURT THEIR FEELINGS."

When we experience something that would fall in the category of hurting another in some way - it's the very moment that you need to go to work. This kind of Self information is sure to build into judgments, assessments and ultimately resentments if we don't find a way to talk about what's happening. Relationships deteriorate...

9

No.9 "THAT PERSON IS RIGID."

No.9 "THAT PERSON IS RIGID."

Just another way to write someone off so that we don't have to be at risk. We're all rigid - even if we don't appear that way. Might as well wade in and begin to explore all of that "unmovability." Great material for relationship building.

10

No.10 "THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME."

No.10 "THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME."

We all feel this. Truth is, it's really a challenge for anyone to "get in someone else's world." The only way to create understanding is to talk. It doesn't happen by watching tv or through facial expressions - words are the only way to build a real bridge to another.
If we take on being "In Relationship" with Life then it means looking at how we are "Expressed" in all relationships. Whether we're talking about the person you choose as your mate, those that you work with or friends, your way of being in relationship is 100% in your hands.