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Updated by Goose In The Gallows on Nov 13, 2017
Headline for Highly Inappropriate Amazon Reviews Vol. 4: If you ever wanted/needed to look like George Pappard, this is your product.
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Highly Inappropriate Amazon Reviews Vol. 4: If you ever wanted/needed to look like George Pappard, this is your product.

This is what happens when you have too much time on your hands. Upvote your favorite on this page, and an upvote on the actual Amazon review is always appreciated.

If you ever wanted/needed to look like George Pappard, this is your product.

Car Vacuum Cleaner High Power Wet Dry Dust Buster Hand Vac Pet Hair Remover Crumbs Cleaner 120W 4000PA with 3.8 Meter...

This Vacuum Cleaner High Power Wet Dry Dustbuster by AVCS is a lifesaver. Allow me to explain.

I recently asked a lovely young lady named Jane to accompany me to the annual neighborhood box social, and my heart soared when she agreed to accompany me. As the event drew closer, I became quite concerned that my lack of experience with worldly pleasures would be a detriment to my gentlemanly reputation. In my despair, my eye caught a glimpse of my new Vacuum Cleaner High Power Wet Dry Dustbuster; at that point, I knew what I had to do.

In order to exude an air of sophistication, I decided to use the Vacuum Cleaner High Power Wet Dry Dustbuster to simulate the unmistakable markings of a man who knows how to carry himself with a member of the opposite sex at a box social. I plugged in the Vacuum Cleaner High Power Wet Dry Dustbuster and began applying it about my neck and chest area to simulate what the young people refer to as "hickeys". Within minutes, I had the rakish good looks of a young George Pappard.

Well, I don't think I need to tell you how excited Jane was to set her gaze upon my battle-scarred physique; in fact, she actually mistook me for Mr. George Pappard for the first hour of our evening. Apparently, Jane and Mr. George Pappard had some history I was unaware of, but no matter. The box social was magical; a night I will never forget.

Several weeks later Jane called upon me with some most extraordinary news. She was with child and wanted me to be the first to know.

Faced with the prospect of providing for the upkeep and well-being of this yet-unborn child, I chose the most logical path available to me. I looked Jane in the eyes, took her hands in mine and said, "Have we met before? I think you have me confused with Mr. George Pappard. Go get him to support you and your illegitimate child, you trollop." I then slapped her across the face with the firmest motion I could muster, kicked her in the knee and slammed the door on her. I never saw her again, but I did make use of my Vacuum Cleaner High Power Wet Dry Dustbuster for my own personal enjoyment again and again.

The product that may or may not have exposed Maria's sleazy acts in my home

Ustellar 100 LED UV Blacklight Flashlight, 395nm Ultraviolet LED, Pet Urine and Stains Detector UV Light, Scorpions, Bed Bugs, Mold & Leak Detector for Commercial or Home

I am conflicted about this product. On one hand, it worked exceptionally well. Unfortunately, it may have worked too well. I don't think it would be appropriate for me to go into details, but let's just say certain bodily fluids are detectable under a black light. Let's also say that this black light found certain fluids in my home. Let's also say this product has changed the way I look at Maria, our cleaning lady. Let's also say she may or may not be responsible for spreading these fluids. Let's also say Maria has been fired. It's ironic because you'd think a cleaning lady would be smart enough to clean up her mess.

If you happen to have a human heart you need to preserve for a few hours...

All in one Travel Passport Holder/Travel Clutch Bag With Hand Strap/Passport Wallet

I know it wasn't the intended use, but this product can be used to transport a human heart intended for transplant. I learned this the hard way, but the results are impossible to deny. My friend Carl was on the waiting list for a transplant, and we were lucky enough to find out a donor heart was available. We grabbed our cooler and headed for the hospital.

Along the way, I realized this surgery would probably take awhile, so I talked Carl into stopping so I could by a case of Faygo Redpop soda, and because it had to be kept cold (we're not heathens after all) I used the cooler to keep the Faygo Redpop cold. This meant we had nothing to put the donor heart in when we got to the hospital. What a dilemma!

Luckily we had this amazing little bag with us, and we used it to keep Carl's new heart going until it was time for surgery. Carl died on the table due to unrelated complications, but my Faygo Redpop stayed cold all the way until the funeral. What a great product.

Surgical precision... whether you're a licensed doctor or not

Bestidy Blackhead Remover Pimple Acne Extractor Tools Comedone Removal Kit Treatment for Blemish, Whitehead Popping, Zit Removing -with a Leather Bag (Silver)

I'm not a doctor, but I played one in a high school play once. I wasn't a student there, but that's something I'm not legally allowed to discuss. But luckily the people at the local hospital didn't ask any questions about my costume and I proceeded to scrub up for surgery. I'm not sure what was wrong with the patient, but I figured it was probably something with her stomach, so I took my new Bestidy Blackhead Remover and proceeded to carve her like a Christmas goose. Luckily I escaped while they were trying to identify the body and I was able to take my Blackhead Remover with me!

New York's Hottest Club is... my bathroom?

LED Disco Ball Party Lights - Renoliss Remote Control Disco Lights Karaoke Machine 3W Dj Light LED Portable 7Colors Sound Activated Stage Lights for Festival Home Bar Club Party Outdoor (2017 Version)

This is the product that answers the question, "Why aren't more people coming to my disco parties?"

I plugged this bad boy in, and within minutes my apartment turned into 1979. This place had everything: dogs on roller skates, midgets who look like Ted McGinley, Captain Underpants... Even my friend Stefon approved, and he's a tough nut to crack.

If anyone needs me I will be back in the 70's!

Customer Review

Vintage Canvas Backpack - Lightweight Canvas Backpack Travel Backpack Retro Black

This is a well-made item that is very stylish and functional, and I know because I put it to the test. You see, I am an undercover cop, and my partner and I were recently assigned to infiltrate a high school. Let me explain:

When cops Schmidt (that's me) and Jenko (my partner Channing Tatum) join the secret Jump Street unit, they use their youthful appearances to go undercover as high-school students. They trade in their guns and badges for backpacks (in this case the Vintage Canvas Backpack from CYREC) and set out to shut down a dangerous drug ring. But, as time goes on, Schmidt and Jenko discover that high school is nothing like it was just a few years earlier -- and, what's more, they must again confront the teenage terror and anxiety they thought they had left behind.

Fantastic multi-function tool that also cuts human bone!

Pruning Shears by Deercy, Garden Shears, Hand Pruner, Sharp Tree Trimmers Secateurs Hand Pruner Clippers with Safety Lock. (red)

These pruning shears are fantastic. In no time I was able to chop through some particularly nasty hedges between my house and Mrs. Henderson's house next door. I guess I got a bit carried away because Mrs. Henderson then came over and started yelling at me for cutting her hedges. Long story short, these pruning shears will also make short work of the bones of an eighty-seven-year-old woman with osteoporosis.

Great product as long as you keep it away from Cindy from Accounting

USB Desk Fan with Coaxial Rotor Design, Strong Airflow and Angle Adjustable, Mini Table USB Fan for Home and Office (Detachable Cover) (2 Speeds, 5 Inch) -Black

This is the perfect little fan for my office. I started using it the other day and within hours Cindy from Accounting showed up, She was in a bikini and had a large margarita in her hand, which was odd because we work in a large office tower. Cindy said the pleasant breeze from this fan made her feel like she was on a tropical island and immediately started dancing around my office. I told Cindy I was happily married; she responded with a firm slap in the face and an admonishment to act like a man.

Acting purely in response to peer pressure, I stripped down to my boxers and ran down the hall yelling "Surf's Up, losers!" Nobody was amused and I was promptly fired. Ironically, Cindy from Accounting ended up with my office AND my desk fan. I am now a broken and bitter man.

...and it only cost me one toe!

Jacone Portable Cute Hexagon Playpen Children Ball Pit , Indoor and Outdoor Easy Folding Ball Play Pool Kids Toy Play Tent with Carry Tote (Blue)

I can only assume this fine product holds plastic balls as advertised. I can't speak to that personally. But I can say with great conviction that if you have a flock of young ducklings to house for a specific period of time, the Jacobs Portable Cute Blue Hexagon Playpen is a jolly good choice. My little-feathered friends quickly claimed this as their own personal domain. When I went in to see them one time, they bit my pinky toe off and then played keep-away with it right in front of me.

So now I only have nine toes, but I know my duckling friends are happy and that's all that matters.