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Updated by Goose In The Gallows on Nov 13, 2017
Headline for Highly Inappropriate Amazon Reviews Vol. 3: "We probably shouldn't have waited 7 years to cut Fluffy's hair."
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Highly Inappropriate Amazon Reviews Vol. 3: "We probably shouldn't have waited 7 years to cut Fluffy's hair."

This is what happens when you have too much time on your hands. Upvote your favorite on this page, and an upvote on the actual Amazon review is always appreciated.

Portable Laser Distance Measure SNDWAY E40 Mini Handheld Digital Tape Measure

The Metric System will be the New World Order- submit now and be spared the Rapture.

This portable laser distance measure is pretty great. It's simple to use for the standard measuring functions but has loads of other features for the more involved projects you may be looking at.

I also like how the laser distance measurer provides the results in both metric and standard units. Personally, I believe anyone who doesn't bow down before the greatness that is the metric system is in for a rough ride when it's time to go to the pearly gates. And I'm not alone in this belief- I am a card-carrying member of Metric Monsters, an organization dedicated to the implementation of the metric system by use of extreme violence and intimidation.

Do you have a problem with that? Yeah, didn't think so, tough guy.

Watermelon Slicer Cutter Corer Server Tongs

High-Quality. That's not up for debate- it's a fact.

There is an easy way to know this is a high-quality item, and this Watermelon Slicer nails it. Instead of fancy pictures or testimonials, it literally says "high-quality" right on the box. By coming right out and letting us know the level of quality from the get-go, we probably saved ourselves a good six or seven hours of head-scratching around the kitchen table.

Keep up the "high-quality" work, ROSIMO!

Metene Medical Forehead and Ear Thermometer for Fever, Non-Contact Digital Thermometer

Worth the Wait Despite the... Unpleasantness

This Metene Medical Forehead and Ear Thermometer has been the answer to our prayers. My wife had a really high fever, so I ordered this product from Amazon. I have an Amazon Prime membership, so we get two-day shipping because I'm kind of a big deal. Anyhow, when the Metene Medical Forehead and Ear Thermometer finally arrived, I ran upstairs to take my wife's temperature. I followed the directions as instructed and waited for the results.

In almost no time, the results came back- her temperature was 73.4˚, which sounded low until I realized she had been dead for about sixteen hours.

But the good news is my Metene Medical Forehead and Ear Thermometer worked like a charm. Thanks!

Lemon Squeezer, Amado Stainless Steel Lemon Squeezer Best One of Lemon Squeezers

A Stain Upon Our Reputation

We were so excited to test out this lemon squeezer that we invited the whole neighborhood over to share in our moment of joy. We can't have children, so this was the closest we would ever get, and everyone became consumed with excitement. The UPS man arrived at our house to find a sea of yellow balloons and homemade signs from the kids living next door. It was quite a scene.

Finally, the moment of truth was upon us. We very gently opened the packaging, eager beyond words to welcome this lemon squeezer into our family. So you can imagine the shock and dismay we felt when we saw a bizarre brown stain on our lemon squeezer. We're not sure what it is, but it certainly put a damper on our festivities.

In the end, we decided to keep the lemon squeezer, flaws and all, but now we're going to have to deal with the fact that our lemon squeezer is not "normal", which is very disappointing.

Also, our neighbors no longer speak to us because they think we're heathens for conceiving a defective product and then keeping it.

Enkey 150W Car Power Inverter DC 12V to 110V AC Converter with 3.1A Dual USB Charger - Blue

One small step for man, one giant leap for Frank Stoosh

If you're like me, you have a friend named Frank Stoosh. And if he's like my friend Frank Stoosh, he likes to always have a deep fryer going in his car. If so, you have dealt with the trials and tribulations of getting enough power to keep the car and the deep fryer running. After helping Frank Stoosh push his car three miles (but enjoying some triple-quality onion rings in the deep fryer), I thought to myself, "There has got to be a better way!"

Enter this Car Power Inverter by the good people at Enkey. Thanks to this triple-quality power supply, we now ride in style and eat like kings, all at the same time.

Next, can you work on a converter to turn a trunk into a deep freezer? Me and Frank Stoosh bought like 2,000 cheese sticks at Costco and we don't know how to keep them frozen.

Thanks, Enkey!

USB Desk Fan with Coaxial Rotor Design, Strong Airflow and Angle Adjustable, Mini Table USB Fan for Home and Office

Great product as long as you keep it away from Cindy from Accounting

This is the perfect little fan for my office. I started using it the other day and within hours Cindy from Accounting showed up, She was in a bikini and had a large margarita in her hand, which was odd because we work in a large office tower. Cindy said the pleasant breeze from this fan made her feel like she was on a tropical island and immediately started dancing around my office. I told Cindy I was happily married; she responded with a firm slap in the face and an admonishment to act like a man.

Acting purely in response to peer pressure, I stripped down to my boxers and ran down the hall yelling "Surf's Up, losers!" Nobody was amused and I was promptly fired. Ironically, Cindy from Accounting ended up with my office AND my desk fan. I am now a broken and bitter man.

XIANGUO Men's Fashion Genuine Leather Belt

Tight enough to get you where you want to go...

Let me begin by stating I am not admitting to engaging in autoerotic asphyxiation. Having said that, I will say this belt has several different uses and it secures tight enough to get you where you want to go. I bought one exclusively to use in my basement, and I'm so glad I came to that decision. I'll admit it- I've yelled out the name of XIANGUO in the heat of the moment out of pure excitement.

Garlic Press, Amado Stainless Steel Garlic Presser Portable Sturdy Chef Garlic Press

Movin' to the country, Gonna press a lot of garlic

I believe my feelings about this Amado Stainless Steel Garlic Press can best be expressed through the music of the Presidents of the United States of America:

Movin' to the country,
Gonna press a lot of garlic
Movin' to the country,
Gonna press a lot of garlic
Movin' to the country,
Gonna press a lot of garlic
Movin' to the country,
Gonna press a lot of garlic

Garlic comes from a can,
It was put there by a man
In a factory downtown
If I had my little way,
I'd press garlic every day
Sun-soakin' bulges in the shade

Movin' to the country,
Gonna press a lot of garlic
Movin' to the country,
Gonna press a lot of garlic
Movin' to the country,
Gonna press a lot of garlic
Movin' to the country,
Gonna press a lot of garlic

Take a little naps where the roots all twist
Pressed a rotten clove in my fist
And dreamed about you, woman,
I poked my finger down inside
Make a little room for an ant to hide
Nature's candy in my hand or can or a pie

Millions of garlics, garlic for me
Millions of garlics, garlic for free

Look out!

Pet Grooming Clipper Kits ShineMore Low Noise Rechargeable Cordless Quiet Pet Groomer with 4 Comb Attachments and 4 E...

Officially Approved by Fluffy

We got our dog Fluffy about seven years ago. He's a great dog- very low maintenance. But recently Fluffy had gotten a bit too fluffy, so we finally decided to give him his first haircut. To get the job done, we bought the Pet Grooming Clipper Kit from Shinemore, and thank goodness we did.

After charging the unit as per the directions, it was time to get down to work. Thankfully these clippers hold a charge well because it took us about seventeen hours to actually get through all of the hair. In retrospect, we probably shouldn't have waited seven years to cut Fluffy's hair.

Anyhow, the product worked wonders. I have included a before and after picture so you can see how well this product works.