Goose In The Gallows
This is what happens when you have too much time on your hands. Upvote your favorite on this page, and an upvote on the actual Amazon review is always appreciated.
Source: http://www.gooseinthegallows.com/highly-inappropriate-amazon-reviews-02
After several years of pursuing Britney, the woman of my dreams, my wedding day was finally here. It was a beautiful summer day, almost as is God himself had guaranteed good weather for our blessed union. We had 600 people waiting in the church. Because Britney is somewhat famous, we even had the style section of the local newspaper on hand to document the event for next Sunday's edition.
I looked quite dapper if I do say so myself. I went with a classic black tuxedo with tails and top hat. I was standing in the vestibule of the church with my best friend/best man when the music started to play (we hired a brass quintet) and the bridesmaids began to shuffle down the aisle, including the obligatory little flower girl who was too young to know what to do but adorable in the way she handled her duties. Then there was silence.
All heads turned to the back of the church as my lovely bride Britney glided into view. There was a collective gasp at her beauty and tears in her father's eyes. It was at that moment I knew this beautiful woman, my blushing bride, in the Unisex 3D Cat Printed Short Sleeve Shirt by the good people at EOWJEED was about to make me the happiest man in the world.
I am not an easy person to live with. In order to tolerate me, my wife needs to drink copious amounts of wine. This causes severe stress as she is constantly opening wine bottles to drink away the sorrow of being married to me. Now thanks to the Freegoing Rabbit Wine Opener Kit, my wife can relax while our toddlers open the bottles of wine for her; that's right, it's that easy.
Now she wants to start making them wear little waiters' jackets, which may be problematic. I guess when a door closes, a window opens...
This headset connects via USB and is incredibly comfortable to wear. I put them on and started playing a game on my computer. I was so enchanted by the quality gameplay that before I knew it, i had missed three mortgage payments because I'd been playing for three months straight. Faced with the choice of taking off this headset or keeping my house, I made the only viable choice.
So I've been living in a homeless shelter for weeks now, and not to brag, but I'm like the coolest guy there because of my wicked headset.
The moral of the story is simple. This headset will overtake your life, and that's not a bad thing.
I hadn't had a shower in probably seven months or so, which means I was more than ready to give this HotelSpa Square Stainless Steel 8 Inch Shower Head a whirl. When it was delivered, I immediately installed it in my bathroom and disrobed. After standing in the shower for twenty minutes with nothing happening, it occurred to me that I hadn't paid the water bill in some time. Now, like most of you, I don't have much use for the United States Postal Service- they just can't be trusted. And I'll be darned if anyone is going to get me on one of those computer-ma-bobbers. So I did what I always do when I want to pay a bill- dig up a jar of change from the front yard and head into town.
And that's exactly what I did that fine spring day. I walked into the water company, set my jar of change on the counter, made the girl at the desk count each coin out at knife-point (technically it was a shiv but I don't think she knew the difference), got my receipt, and headed home to enjoy my new shower (with water this time). All was well and good until I walked past the local police station on my way home. Long story short, when I had disrobed earlier I forgot to re-robe again and I was arrested for indecent exposure. Because I had numerous warrants out for my arrest, I am facing several years in prison. The only thing that keeps me going is dreaming about finally enjoying my HotelSpa Square Stainless Steel 8 Inch Shower Head. I just hope I don't have to pay the water bill again.
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I often leave food sitting out with no idea of how to properly store it, which usually means gigantic bills during my weekly trips to the grocery store. My religion forbids me from using aluminum foil or Saran Wrap, so I needed an answer; although I've searched high and low, the perfection I needed eluded me until I came upon the Houseasy Fresh Food Storage System.
It's not often you could say a product changes your life forever, but in this instance, it is simply the only description that fits the bill. When I first opened the package for the Houseasy Fresh Food Storage System, I felt like a little kid on Christmas morning (except I don't know what Christmas morning feel like because my religion forbids me from celebrating Christmas or any other traditional holiday, but deep down if I really imagine carefully what Chrismas morning feels like, I have to think it involves a Houseasy Fresh Food Storage System).
The pressing question, of course, was: what is the first meal I should preserve? I looked at my weekly food calendar and realized there was only one choice made any sense: I was going to preserve my Sunday dinner of franks and beans. This meant I would have to restrict my intake of franks and beans to ensure there would be enough to conduct an accurate experiment. I would say I needed extreme willpower, but willpower is forbidden by my religion, so with the skill of the surgeon, I placed the franks and beans into the Houseasy Fresh Food Storage System; I actually don't know what kind of skill a surgeon has, because medicine and surgery are strictly forbidden by my religion, but again, I'm doing my best approximation.
There is no substitute for the satisfying pop of my favorite food is sealed in to preserve its freshness. It's effervescent. Unfortunately, the results of my experiment will be known for many years, but I'm confident the food will be perfectly preserved.
For those of you wishing to duplicate my efforts, it's quite simple; because my religion strictly forbids refrigeration, I went into my yard and used my hands to dig a 6-foot hole in which I placed the Houseasy Fresh Food Storage System. Please note that my religion directly forbids the use of shovels for other digging implements, so I used my hands. The plan is simple; I will let the food sit for several years, dig it up again using my hands and hopefully enjoy the fresh goodness of a well-prepared dinner of franks and beans.
UPDATE: I waited seven years and dug up my franks and beans. It's like a died and went to flavor heaven. Best product ever.
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I believe it was the great Lenny Dykstra who posed the question, "What about the slot?"; with the NOPNOG CD Slot Mount Car Phone Holder Cradle, that question has been answered definitively.
In fact, I believe Mr. Dykstra himself would approve of this fine product. It's hygienic and provides a warm, snug fit, which we all know to be crucial; most importantly, it's at a perfect 90-degree angle.
If you're looking for the perfect accessory for your slot, you've come to the right place. Just lay back and enjoy it, just like our friend Lenny Dykstra would.
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Every once in a while, you just want to let the kids kick the living daylights out of something; you know, to get their frustrations out and whatnot. For our family, the kicking target was Mr. Crenshaw, the elderly man who lived next door. He loved spending time with kids, and they loved kicking him within an inch of his octogenarian life. It was kind of a thing they had.
Anyhow, we recently told the kids they couldn't have tasty Kellogg's Frosted Flakes for breakfast. As you can imagine, they went blind with rage and headed over to Mr. Crenshaw's house and yada yada yada the kids need something new to kick now.
Enter these Car Kick Mats; we put them in the family truckster and immediately felt good about the purchase. The kids kick their aggression away, and we're confident the fine interior of our vehicle won't be compromised. It's a win-win.
holding your hand through the series finale of civilization
