Graeme Thomson
Like having to look at photos of other people’s children, or a blind date with someone who has an ever-so-slightly annoying laugh, snow starts out being cute, fun, and even a little bit fluffy but rapidly becomes deeply, mind-numbingly tedious. Snowboarders, penguins, and deranged, demon-possessed TV weather presenters may get a kick out of Satan’s frosty dandruff, but that’s only because they don’t have to shovel the stuff! So, for those who do, here are some Top Tips for staying sane this winter.
Transform useless snowfall into thoughtful personal gifts! Shovel your unwanted snow into Styrofoam containers and FedEx it overnight to friends and family who live in Florida.
Worried about security? Fool burglars into thinking you're still at home by walking backwards through the snow when leaving your house.
Depressed by mounds of snow outside your door? Sprinkle them with green food dye, add plastic daffodils, and, hey presto! You can pretend it's Spring!
Be the envy of your neighbors! Turn your birdfeeder into a fashionable avian ski resort by piling shoveled snow under it, attaching very small flags onto popsicle sticks, and planting them as a slalom course in the piled snow.
Live in the city and own a garage for your car? Avoid the envious hatred of non-garage owning motorists by piling some of your shoveled snow next to the garage door. Then, before you go out for a drive, simply shovel some of the piled snow over the roof and hood of your car.
Want to save time shoveling snow? Cover your drive/sidewalk with plastic wrap from your kitchen drawer. Next time it snows, simply peel off the plastic wrap and, voila! Possibly.
Don’t waste precious time shoveling your sidewalk or drive. Simply purchase a U.S. military surplus World War II flame-thrower.
