Top 10 Ways to Cope During LDS General Conference

In this video, AntiCitizenX shows exactly how to play this time-honored game among exmormons.

How many thought distortions and logical fallacies can YOU catch during one session?

There are plenty of cutesy ones out there, but this randomized card will help you stay awake while being alert to the evils of logic and homosexuality.

Choose ye this day...you can cringe and die a little inside each time words like marvelous, glorious, obedience, honesty, etc., are spoken...

OR you can replace your gag reflex with cold, hard POINTS!!!

Try to count the seats in the conference or stake center.

Try to count the seats in the choir, occupied and unoccupied

Count the light fixtures

Count the number of people

Count how many pews there are

Count the # of bald heads

Count the # of words in a speaker's talk

Time how long choir songs last and compare to how long they should take

Watch the clock and see how long you can hold your breath without making a noise or passing out!

Bring a good book by the likes of D. Michael Quinn, Grant Palmer, or diary excerpts regarding Joseph Smith's sex life to keep things interesting.

Smuggle a smartphone! Make it look like you are looking up the supporting scriptures for each talk.

Mad Libs, because, well, have you ever PLAYED mad libs? 'Nuff said.

Just as a secret agent keeps cyanide pills on hand in case things get too rough, you would be wise to bring something called a "General Conference Journal" or Activity Pack (with hidden compartments for distraction material.

Now you can maintain your righteous profile while secretly indulging in something, ANYthing, remotely stimulating!

Origami

Chinese Fortune Teller

Hangman

Tic Tac Toe

Draw the speaker's face

Bring a toy for your child and actually play with them!

List out the problems you want spiritual direction on, such as why Joseph Smith would have had a "sordid, nasty affair" in the barn with Fanny Alger and then deny it to his wife for years.

Then pray about the items on your list, and make sure to listen for the answers as these difficult topics are admitted and addressed head-on by the Lord's mouthpieces!

If you are seated safely in a darkened area of the conference or stake center, and out of the view of your nazi parents or wife, feel free to surrender to the void and wake up when it's all over.

If this is not feasible, we STRONGLY suggest viewing conference at home with the kind of setup shown in this image.

Your in-home viewing partition will keep your kids focused on the mind-numbing repetition, while you zone out safely behind them to avoid addressing the issue that this is all a big time-wasting circlejerk for everyone, young and old alike.

My friend has skipped Priesthood session successfully for 9 years straight!

Sure, he missed out on learning that being a father is important (thank you, God, for that breaking revelation), but look how much his golf game has improved!

Pro Tip: When you come home to your wife and she asks what the talks were about, the answers are "priesthood," "family," and "pornography" regardless of the year, speakers, or relevance!

Every time a speaker says something that makes you wince, or Monson tells a widow story, or the free exchange of information and knowledge is condemned, you take a sip or a shot of liquid relief!

Down the hatch...grit the teeth...conference is almost over!